Enlightenment is intimacy with all things. – Dōgen Zenji
Relationships are hard. In a training weekend for psychotherapists that I attended recently, the facilitator made a comment that struck me. She said something to the effect of “as therapists, we’re good at relationships; that’s what we train for, that’s what people pay us for.” That’s a tall order! I thought. Though it was an inspiring idea, that being good at relationships could be my job, I also felt intimidated. Not all of my relationships are in good working order. I’ve had fallouts, friend breakups, romantic breakups, a community breakup. I’ve had unhealthy relationships with other things. Perhaps of paramount importance, my relationship to myself seems to be an on-again, off-again affair.
We live in relationship. To everything. I have a relationship with my family and friends, to water, to work, to substances, to this culture, to practice. The list goes on. Our relationships may not always be explicit or conscious but they nevertheless underlie and impact each and every one of our interactions, including those with the more-than-human world (i.e. plants, animals, landscapes).
So, what does it mean to be “good at relationship”, or to be in “right relationship” to self, other, the world? Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, wrote “[b]eing in relationship with others means an understanding of how to be relational. That starts with yourself.”
Meditation is sometimes critiqued as an act of retreat from the world. The choice to turn attention inward can be interpreted as disengagement and a renunciation of worldly responsibilities. Zen master Dōgen Zenji thought otherwise when he said “[e]nlightenment is intimacy with all things.”
Take a moment to reflect – what is your relationship to practice? Is it…an obligation, a goal, self care, retreat, for pleasure, a way to connect with others? And how does practice shape your relationships? To yourself, to others, to the world?
Practice certainly brings us face to face with ourselves – our thoughts, sensations, emotions. As we practice, we make choices, conscious and unconscious, about how to relate to our experience and the world around us. Resist, persist, summon equanimity. Soften, cultivate compassion, stay curious, turn toward, turn away. Maybe all of this and more on repeat.
Through practice, my relationship to myself has become much softer and I’ve become more self-aware (at least some of the time). With curiosity and exploration, I’ve cultivated self-compassion, patience, and an inner witness. I’ve learned to take my thoughts less seriously, not identifying with my thinking mind. I’ve come into more contact with my body. I forget all these good lessons and then I remember. I try to remind myself gently. The extent to which I can be patient and kind to myself is the extent to which I can offer that to others.
Thanks to practice, my relationships to others have also become more spacious. I take fewer things personally. I have more compassion and patience for others. Being more centered and grounded within myself, I can show up in relationships with less need and more presence.
In recent years, my conscious relationship to the more-than-human world has been deepening. I notice, acknowledge, even speak to trees, plants, animals, rivers, etc. I try to keep my mind clear as I listen for them to speak something back. Sometimes psychoactive plants have loud voices and clear messages, though I partake in these less and less these days. More often, noticing the way the sunlight dapples on a leaf or the way the river bends is a message in itself.
Practice is a potent reminder of our relational nature. When we take the time to practice, we come to see how we relate to ourselves, others, our environments, our challenges and successes, our dreams, our fears. If enlightenment really is intimacy with all things, how can we cultivate healthy, intimate connections of all sorts in all parts of our lives? In remembering our relational natures, we can revisit, and maybe even reclaim, the ways we connect and show up in our lives and relationships. Join us this month at CEC as we explore the theme of relationship from a variety of angles.